As of tomorrow morning it will have been two weeks since I uprooted my life from Valparaiso, Indiana and settled down in Alma, Arkansas. It was only two weeks ago, but it feels like months. I’ve already forgotten what cold weather feels like. I’ve already accepted that my car will never been clean. I reluctantly accept that I am the lone Libertarian in this county and I’ve even come to terms with knowing that I have to cross a county line if I want to buy a bottle of wine.
Those were all the easy bits to accept. The rest? Well, it’s a lot fucking harder.
It’s hard not seeing my best friend every day. I miss her. I traded a long distance relationship with Scott for one with Robyn and it hurts. She was (and still is) my rock for the last four and a half years. Having her 12 hours away feels like a part of my soul is missing.
I miss my mom. You never appreciate your mother until she isn’t around. I know there are people who don’t see their mother very often, but I didn’t think I’d become one of them. And I’m surprised at how easy it is to let days go without calling her. I get wrapped up in my family that it honestly slips my mind. Hold on. I’m going to call her now while I’m thinking of it. … And now I’m crying. Funny how all your emotions pour out once you talk to your mother.
I’m a stepmom now. I honestly never expected to be a mom. Having kids was one of the things I’d long ago erased from my life’s to-do list. And now I have this amazing little girl and I get to help raise her. She is funny and brave and stubborn and kind and helpful and smart and tiring all at once. I didn’t understand how you could love another person this much, but now I get it. And, to be honest? It scares me. I have a person to help take care of. It goes beyond getting her dressed and making sure she eats her vegetables. I am part of a parenting team and we all have a hand in helping this beautiful little girl grow up to become an amazing woman. I worry that I’m not going to be good enough. I worry that I’m being a friend and not a parent. I worry. A lot.
And for the first time in three years, I am living with a man again. It’s such an adjustment. For years I lived alone and my stuff and my mess were all mine to deal with. I didn’t have to share covers. I didn’t have to share my space. I find that I love having him close all the time, but it’s new for both of us and it’s easy to misstep at times. But, we’re good. I feel so safe and loved in this house and with Scott. He’s amazing and he is the calming voice in my current turmoil.
But even with Scott and The Kiddo, I feel lonely at times. I don’t have friends. I don’t have my family close. I am a stranger and I’ve never been a stranger before. I lived in Valpo for my entire life. No matter what day it was I could bump into someone I knew or go see an old friend. Now I am just meeting people and hoping to find a few that really get me. But I fear that won’t happen until I enroll in school.
So… yeah. There it is. Two weeks in and I’m utterly happy with sprinkles of loneliness and topped with worry. Hopefully it gets better soon.