missing the nothing.

Big life changes have impacts on our lives. When I moved away from Indiana and set up a new life in Arkansas I knew it would mean being away from everything I knew, starting a new life as a mother and soon to be wife and being away from my family and friends. Even if I couldn’t plan for all the changes in my life I could brace for most of the changes. I told myself I knew they were coming and I could handle anything.

Then this week it occurred to me that I don’t know the next time I am going to hang out with my best friend and do nothing. One of the joys of having a best friend is being able to exist in the same space with nothing planned and being perfectly happy. Lazy weekends or weeknights where the highlight of your time together is having food delivered to your door. There is a level of intimacy that comes with doing nothing. Two people don’t have to worry about having conversations or keeping each other entertained. When you are able to do nothing together it is saying you’re able to accept another person completely. It is why I am only every lazy with the people I love the most.

My two best friends in the world leave 16 and 12 hours away from me. Traci and I are use to forgoing the nothing in favor of THINGS. We see each other so rarely that when we do get to spend time together it’s all about doing THINGS and going PLACES and TALKING and LAUGHING and by the end of our short trips we are tired, broke and sore. Still, we long for that nothing. We dream of the day we are close enough that we can sit on a sofa and binge watch Netflix until hours have passed and neither one of us have moved. We fantasize about not having to wear bras and being able to simply be together.

Robyn and I took our days of nothing for granted. I don’t think either of us ever expected to be apart. From the day we met we both knew that this was the sort of friendship that would last forever. And while that hasn’t changed, the way we spend our time together will never be the same. I don’t know the next time I will be with Robyn and not have other people around. I honestly don’t know if it will ever happen again. The friendship we had for nearly 5 years is irreversibly changed. Now we are family, even more so than we were before. Now I am the mother she visits on holidays and she is the daughter I see a few times a year. While that doesn’t change how much we love each other it does change the dynamic of our friendship in ways I hadn’t planned for.

I love the life I have now. It’s filled with laughter and joy and I am never home alone on a weekend wishing I wasn’t going to bed alone, but there are days where I long for that nothing again. I miss sitting on a sofa, cuddling with my best friend and not saying a word. Or maybe I just really miss my friends.